Sunday, 1 January 2012

seven - hello 2012.

Happy new year everyone, I hope you had a great night last night whatever you got up to :) true to form I stayed in with my family and a bottle of cider, watching good ol' Jools on the telly. I refuse to do anything else on NYE! Besides, I had nothing to celebrate about 2011 in my opinion so I didn't feel like "drinking to a year gone by".

Warning; it's a long post! x

Last year was, probably, the worst year of my life. I don't use that term lightly, I really do think that. I started 2011 fully involved in a relationship where I believed I was "in love". I put all my eggs in one basket as it were, and unfortunately the relationship came to an untidy end in February. It had, and still has a massive effect on my confidence, and trusting the opposite sex. 

 Also I lost two people that were, and still are extremely close to my heart. When I heard the news of my Grandad passing away in April I genuinely didn't know how I was supposed to carry on. My A Level exams were just around the corner and the only thing I wanted to do was try and turn back time and bring my Grandad back. But, the experience taught me to be strong for my family, and I did my exams in memory of him.

I didn't do as well as expected, I'd hoped for an A in geography but got a B. However I did get a B in Biology and I was so shocked/happy at that! I was, and still remain awful at science compared to the arts so I was quite frankly gobsmacked. So, August was stressful because I got rejected by my 2 universities and unfortunately had to enter Clearing. Every cloud has a silver lining though, and I ended up at the University of Liverpool in September.

Whilst preparing for University (by that I mean looking at Laura Ashley websites swooning over cushions..) in August I recieved the dreadful news that I'd lost my Grandma. Now this was bittersweet in my opinion because although I was horribly saddened to lose her, I was greatful she was no longer suffering with Dementia and that God had chosen to reunite her with my Grandad in the afterlife.

And then came Semester 1 of University. This has been a very up-and-down time for me to say the least. I'm grateful for the people I've met at University, that is one positive. In Liverpool everyone is so friendly and warm, and certainly knows how to have a good time! I ran before I could walk, and ended up drinking an awful lot, smoking a little and well, getting around in general I guess. I'm not ashamed to talk about it because it happens to everyone at some point. I guess I went a little "off the rails" for want of a better phrase. Anyway, I decided it was time to finally see a counsellor and after a few sessions they came to the conclusion that I have depression. This was in around November, and oddly enough it wasn't a struggle to come to terms with because it's something I've known in my heart for months.

Mid-December and it was the end of my first Semester, and I came home. I've never been more glad to spend time at home, with my family and old friends. I did a lot of thinking at home and came to the conclusion that I'm not going to let depression walk all over me. I deserve to be happy, in my opinion. So, here's to the positives coming up this year :)

- I'm changing my appearance: I've dyed my hair a little darker, started wearing red lipstick more often instead of shying away from it and I'm getting a tattoo next week. It seems like a lot to change, and so quickly, but I need it. I need shaking up and I need change.

- I'm going to spend more time with my family: this is an obvious, I love seeing my family so will make the effort to come home more often, write more letters, make more phonecalls.

- I'm going to get a job: hopefully! I need the money, and to think I'll finally be supporting myself will be such a good feeling.

So, in essence, I'm going to get better. I'm going to take my camera out with me more, go on walks, take lovely pictures, take pride in my appearance, make friendships stronger, work harder on my course and just live.

God knows who's read this far, but if you have, thankyou, you're a trooper! :)



Temporary:Secretary said...

So sorry to hear you had a hard time, but i wish you all the best for 2012. Sending you happy and positive thoughts. x

Gabby said...

Thankyou sweetheart :) much appreciated xxx